The Un-Named Campaign
The Judenheim Campaign
Shorty: "I'm going to get more aquainted with my pony, since all I've done
so far is ride it really hard."
Welveren: "I'm going up the stairs. If you hear a commotion-I'm in
Will: "A controlled evil looks the same as an evil evil."
Will: "You do not get a save."
Chris: "That's because you opened the door like a big dummy."
Will: "....he pulls out a bone, breaks it, and speaks three arcane
Eric: "You die now."
Joe: "It's the elk lodge... it's like a moose but different."
Ken: "I'm still throbbing?"
Will: "It's gone down some. It's more like a hemmoriodal itch now."
Julie: "I'm going to become his shadow."
Gary: "You mean you're going to sew yourself to his feet?"
Welveren: "Could you lay your hands on our poor noble friend here and make
him feel better?"
Will: "The orange blob drops the green blob and pulls out a blue blob."
Will: "Something dances between your legs."
Micki: "I'm going to grab my dagger and see if I can't get it into this...
Will: (in a conspiritorial whisper...) "A lightening bolt would hit
everyone in the room..."
Chris: (indignantly) "Including me!"
Chris: "I begin sneaking around to backstab myself!"
Chris: "I go on zero! Can I kill myself?"
Chamberlain: "Do you have anything against ogres?"
Makain: "Taste really bad..."
BIG hungry red dragon: "In whose name do you travel across my lands?"
Welveren: "Here's where I would normally claim credit, but I think I won't
Joe: "I look for a tree to kill!"
Will: "Where's the Monster manual...?"
Welveren: "Makain, would I look more wizardly with a staff?"
Makain: "What you need more people for?"
Session 31: "The Wheel of Cheese" adventure...
Chris: "I will appraise the cheese!"
Eric: "I might give my loyalty to that cheese over there..."
Chris: "Now all we need is for Makain to go 'Pizza, Pizza'."
Will: "No, 'Cheeser, Cheeser'."
Welveren: "To me - to me! I have protection!"
Eric: "You blow on her or something?"
Chris: "I'll move so that Garion and Danarra are within my cube."
Eric: "Whee! I have a spaceman!"
Eric: "It's a male and female spaceman."
Eric: "They have their parts on backwards."
Eric: (said jokingly)"Is it just one, or are there 18 of them?"
Will: (rolls dice) "No, there are 18 of them."
Eric: (suprised look) "D'oh!"
Chris: "I get it off."
Will: "You do who?"
Chris: "You don't know that I'm evil - except for the fact that I told
Session 32: The "Mad Pig" Adventure, or "What happens when
your PCs take a random
encounter to extremes...
Eric: "Undead are chicken-shits, don't you know that?"
Ken: "Mad flaming pig!"
Makain: "Not eat mad pig."
Ken: "Why, get mad pig's disease?"
Will: (to Makain, the minotaur) "He slashes your calf,"
Will: "The pig has no diseases."
Eric: "The pig is dead!"
Julie: "Just think of it, an army of undead mad flaming pigs!"
Will: "Forget these pansy undead creatures. I'll just throw animals at
you from now on."
Eric: "The great Litch Dr. Doolittle..."
Will: "It lets you give diseases to things... like mad pigs..."
And just when you thought we couldn't get more mileage out of it....
Makain: (pointing to flamb-ed, 10 foot bombadier
beetle) "Eat, good!"
Welveren: "NO! Mad beetle!"
Welveren: "I want to kill it. Let's all move away."
Will: "A shower of arrows falls upon you."
Joe: "They did."
Alexander: "You want to bring him back?!"
Welveren "Look at the SIZE of him!"
Welveren: (after lightening-bolting the Orc she had just charmed)
"... Probably makes the charm wear off."
Ken to Eric: "I'm as slow as you are stupid."
Chris: "I'd love to die a man, but I just can't right now."
Eric: "I'll be the first gelatinous cow!"
Micki: "Snorting an old guy... eeewww!!!"
Joe: "That's using your nose."
Eric: "It doesn't say death, but it's very important."
Will: "That's all they do. They show up, say 'BOO!' and you get old.
They might as well just go home then."
Joe to Micki: "You get the worst noogie of your entire life."
Eric: "Unfortunately I'm not specialized in food carpet so I don't get two
Ork ghost: "Betrayer! You killed me. I loved you!"
Welveren: "Only because I cast a spell on you. Quit whining!"
Julie to Joe: "Well hang on. I have to get it up first."
Joe: "Oooh. Who do I get to be?"
Ken: "Umm, you can be the Great Champion!"
Joe: "What do I get to do?"
Ken; "Uh, die."
Ken: "Great. The entire kingdom abuts Hell now."
Welveren: (the elf, who is trying to hide in a crowd
of dwarves) "I sneak away."
Will: (most amused)"You try and get lost in the crowd..."
Welveren: "Do you have books?"
Librarian: "But of course."
Welveren: "Can people read them?"
Librarian: "But of course."
Welveren: "Is there a charge?"
Librarian: "But of course."
Will: "So, how many spikes do you want?"
Micki: "Well, at least one for my head..."
Joe: "He's the Pope!"
Will: "He's naked to the waist."
Ken: "He's not the Pope."
Alexander to Shorty: "If you detonate that next to me, I will... haunt
Welveren: "I've been traveling abroad for some time."
Ken: "You've been a traveling broad for how long?"
Welveren: "Back away! Get far away from the fountain. Let's get a good
distance away... Okay! *KABOOM*"
Welveren: "Shall I prove to you the fullness of my heritage"
Joe: (muttered)"The fullness of something."
Eric: "Just think of the cinematography! You could have dropped it right
there and they would have gone *WHOOM*"
Micki: (pointing to Joe/Alexander) "And so would he!"
Eric: "No, he's behind the door. You would die."
Micki: "I don't want to die!"
Eric; "But then, you have the five-kiloton dwarf!"
Chris: "I have a ring of mind shielding! She can't tell if I'm lying
or not! bwahahahaha... that is one of its powers, isn't it?"
Funny only to us-
Welveren: "Where are Alexander and Shorty?"
Will to Chris: "You do not see any Drow within earshot."
Shade: "I'll go west. West is alweays bad, unless it's right, and then
Danarra: "Shorty, do you know anything about hidden doors?"
Shorty: "A bit."
Danarra: "Then come look at this one."
Shorty: "But it's not hidden anymore!"
Ken: (Upon finding a malibdeous spirit)
"I know this is probably a stupid question, but is it evil?"
Ken:(On same spirit) "This thing wacked Odin. *I'm* not touching
Shade: "A door can be ajar, it just can't be a bucket."
Joe to Shade: "That's right, I'm supposed to duct-tape you..."
Shade (sarcastically): "With a 20 on Healing, I think this is a dragon,
Will: "Could be. Not enough legs."
Shade: "At this moment, I'd like to take the opportunity to scream,
Joe: "I wonder if that voice is more echoy in Makain's head?"
Will: "All the wizards go in one group, all the fighters go in the other.
I love this."
The Sybil: "Your coming was fortold."
Shade: "Oh, I hate prophesies."
Joe: "Oh, you're in the wrong group..."
The Sybil to Welverin: "There is something not right about you."
Shorty: "I think our friend in learning the joy that is Welverin."
Chris: "It's a Brazier of Fire Elemental Summoning and control,
Will: "It's called an ambush. They're good for that sort of thing."
Julie: "Bad guys?"
Joe: "He has pointed ears, right? He might be special."
Shade: "...white and pasty. I'm either undead, or an elf."
Eric: "Alexander goes first... twice."
Will: "What you can make out is a bunch of people you presume are your
Joe: "Sorry, just clearing my throat."
Shade: "I do have perception. I just didn't know where it was..."
Will: "You hear a sound something like a Cuisinart."
Joe: "It's a Cloak of Blending!"
Joe: "I have a small plan."
Will: "A small plan?"
Joe: "Usually my big plans get me in trouble, so I'm hoping a small plan
Chris: "I put on the amulet."
Will: "Your mind becomes clear..."
Shade: "All your spells are gone!"
Joe: "... because you're male; you're weird."
Will: "It flaps up into the pink sun."
Shade: "His heart?"
Will: (describing how deeply Makain sleeps) "You will sleep until
intervention of a major religious figure."
Ken: (pointing to Julie/Danarra) "Good thing we have one right
Eric: "Come on. Take a bite of the pomegranite of Plot."
Welverin: (On being awoken for watch) "I can't wait until I have
underlings to do this."
Storm Lord: "You slew my horse! I should slay you!"
Welverin: "Was not your intention in coming for us to slay us?"
Storm Lord: "You are worth more to me alive."
Welverin: "Oh. Then forgive me for your horse."
Storm Lord: "Throw down your weapon and I'll consider it."
Welverin: "Uh... no."
Ken: (mimicing NPC bandit) "Ah!Ah! There's a dwarf on my leg!"
Joe: (preparing to leap onto his runnung horse) "I don't want
stamina damamge... saddlehorn."
Shade: "You get away and get a job as a singer."
Ken: "A soprano!"
Eric: "It's Alexander Jackson!"
Shade: "Hey, get that one gauntlet; it'll be perfect!"
Eric: "And if he grabs himself, he really will be the King of Pop."
Shade/Taharqua: "'Do some magical stuff', yeah! You're a paladin, do it
From the final session of this intrepid party....
As Makain falls off the dragon...
Will: "Do you have anything that makes you fall in a more humane
Eric (scanning his character sheet) "A ring of swimming?... I
don't suppose the food carpet flies?"
Will: "No, especially not rolled up."
Eric: "I could hit the ground running..."
Will: "Oh, wait. You might hit the wall..."
Alexander: "I need to know those things I need to know."
Joe: "Where is the head of the king of the dwarves?"
Will: "On his shoulders..."
Chris: "I summon an Earth elemental.."
Will: "It appears."
Chris: "Does it kill me?"
Will: "Not instantly."
Micki: "How many actions per round do you get with your head?"
Joe: "I need something to starchify these dogs in my stomach."
Welveren: "If I'm not back in 24 hours... Oh, well."
Ken: "I jump down onto the dragon!"
Will: "Make a jump roll."
Ken "I don't have jump."
Chris: "I didn't even get my nipple!"
Eric: "Not the first time..."
Chris: "I wish I had a cube of firey minotaur resistance."
"Moo-Fu Beef." -Bad minotaur joke
Will: "He really has nothing to do with himself."
Chris: "It's cool to be a megapumulous sorceror of evil."
Talthensis: "I could treat some of your injuries... if I had a player's
Eric: "Chris, what did you tell me the brassiere of Doom did?"
Eric: (after Chris' character
slept with the necromancer) "Does that make you a necrophile?"
Chris: "I didn't do it with her dog!"
From the Character Creation Session
The Ingcassel Campaign
"If you don't break the law, he doesn't break you." -Will
"Do I have to go through the twelve step paladin program?" -Joe
"I think this code makes me pledge to be brainless." -Joe
"Clerics have to do worksheets?" -Micki
"I have an honest job...( long pause) Shut up! I'll think of something!"
-Eric, discussing his thief character
"I'm most likely to squash myself in a fight." -Bill
"If I were female I'd buy a large chest." -Chris
"You might find it hard to have a bath without company in a brothel."
"Mine's bigger than yours." Micki, to Bill
"My sportsmanship stops when women start jumping all over me." -Bill
"Here I was, all excited about having touched it with my bare hands.
"So, is it a bet?" -Gunder
"During the day?!" -Benjamin
"You can make bets during the day..." -Gunder
"You realize there is a tax on all financial transactions." City
"Spell!" -Mylin, attempting to charm him
"At least I'm not in serious danger of bleeding to death if I get a
papercut." -Benjamin, to Mylin
"You know, by attaching myself to this group, I will burn in hell."
-Delin, the paladin
"What is it, the great book of various and sundry variable sundries?"
"Mental note: Only spelunk on roofs at night." -Chris
"I thought he had a frustrated 'Somebody's playing with my gargoyle' look
on his face." -Ken
"What is wrong?" -Old archivist
"Zombies. Dead things that don't want to be dead, that don't act dead,
they're not dead." -Mylin
"There are many things down there. That's why we lock the door." -
"This is the comedy of first level thieves." -Eric
And the session Hideous Pun Award goes to-
"The original concept was a bard. It became a mage after heavy
"Yeah, we have a higher profit margin than anyone else."- Eric
"Yeah, until I tell god what you did!" -Micki
"The Palm of Na?" -Eric
"The Might of Ther?"- Bill
"Am I the only one who noticed Chris' elf sounds like William Shatner?"
"How about things that make vast quantities of fire?" -Benjamin
"It's called 'wood'." -Adelaide
"I can't imagine cows making cheese at all." -Joe
"Milking them would hurt." -Bill
"Squeeze cheese." -Joe
"I generally hire only young boys. They're easier to discipline." -Dario
"What kind of glop is this?" -Bill
"It's flavored with real Italians." -Will
"Mmm. Beefy." -Eric
"It's eight inches thick. It slides along really slowly and makes a
scraping noise." -Chris
"We'll open the door. If it floods, we'll close it." -Joe
"You do need those proficiency slots in advanced physics." -Will
"They just eat things. They don't open doors." -Benjamin, on
"... a wall, coated with lichen." -Will
"I'm not liken' this." -Joe
"Their tongues are like 20 feet long." -Will
"And the female frogs are like 'Yeah!'." -Chris
"I spend everything concentrating, so my armor class goes from suck to
"I try and follow the tongue back to its source." -Chris
"I pass out. (looks at sheet) Wait. I don't pass out, I die."
"These are perfectly normal giant frogs." -Will
"I know I rolled the maximum time I could probably be dead..." -Bill
"We have how fast you move by yak." -Will
"Regular or shaved?" -Bill
"These dice don't like you..." -Will
"I'm calling on the power of god. It hurts him instead of me." -Micki
"At full strength, I don't think I can lift my spellbook." -Bill
"Does he have any idea what he's talking about?" -Bill
"Do you have detect lies?" -Will
"How about detect stupidity?" -Micki
"Who needs an adventure? We have Chris." -Joe
The party opens a door to find a brick wall...
"If you keep building and building a city, things like this will happen."
"Not if you do it right!" -Chris
Discussing the loot, or lack thereof...
"We got a box." -Gunder
"It's magical." -Delin
"Does it do anything?" -Gunder
"I think it gets heavier the longer you carry it." -Delin
"Are you aksing the cleric out?" -Julie
"Yes, god-damn it!" -Bill
The Session that Wasn't
"I don't think I have enough control with just my pinky" -Joe
"He can touch himself." -Bill
"I don't know much about adult toys." -Deanna
"I do." - Bill
ON CHIA PETS
"What do they put in those, alfalfa?" -Will
"You could shave it and put it on your salad." -Julie
"Hey, that's my breast! If I touched you there would that be
"You know, I'd be afraid if someone said 'your right hand has a different
personality than the rest of you." -Bill
"Normally yes, but it's okay if it's a puppet." -Joe
"These are three of the most evil, sadistic women, who do mean things to
me and cause me to lose control of my bodily functions." -Bill
"Like I know what I'm saying half the time!" -Bill
As the party turns yet another random monster encounter into a
"It might be a problem, as this character doesn't have animal handling...
so, let's kill it!" -Ken
"As soon as you open the door, a large figure starts shambling toward
"Close the door!!" -Joe
"What's the natural predator of lobsters?" -Bill
"Melted butter." -Joe
"Dread Cthulhu Jr."-Joe
"You can't measure lobster in liquid measurements!" -Bill
"Transmute lobster to chowder." -Bill
"The weakest is the red slaad." -Will
"No, there's one weaker - the 'cole-slaad'." -Joe
[the room erupts in laughter at the pun, except for Chris]
"Why didn't I get that?" -Chris
"Can you please invent a name for an NPC that doesn't involve you
coughing? -Bill, to Will
"You know, when we started this adventure, I didn't envision us as
becoming the 'Sewer Knights'." -Chris
"As a paladin, are you allowed to say 'piss-poor?" Chris, to Joe
"Has he given me any reason not to believe him? Whi shouldn't I trust
"Because he's a goofy elf!" -Joe
"But I'm frugal." -Chris
"It galls to sneak around the sneaks." -Delin
"Dodge that, Flip-Boy!" -Joe
"He's short and he's got a beard. He's a dwarf, dammit."-Ken
Discussing sanctified unholy water
"That seems a copius quantity." -Mylin
"I must make sure I have enough. Part of the procedure involves boiling
"He's making distilled evil!"-Joe
"Hey, I did something successful with my body!" -Bill
"I'm really good at putting arrows in ceilings." -Gunder
Regarding the arrow Gunder shot through the trap door in the
"I suppose it shall have to remain there as a testament to my glory."
"Or at least as a door handle." -Lar
"She's the finest piece of lass that you'll ever see." -Will
"What is the purpose of the sewers, Joe?"-Will
"It's not Dungeons and Dragons without the dragons." -Will
"It has that bloated look of something that has drowned." -Will
"That's gross." -Bill
"It's supposed to be groos; it's a zombie." -Will
"Bald men are dangerous." -Chris
"You're not bald." -Bill
"I'm nearly bald, so I'm nearly dangerous." -Chris
"You're big, aren't you?" -Chris
"Last I checked." -Joe
"I'm also a vampire of death!" -Chris
"Isn't that redundant, Chris?" -Joe
"I lick big men and stick them to my forhead." -Chris
"How about we take one of [the guardian skeleton's] skulls and hit the
door with it?" -Baoh
"How about we take your skull and hit the door with it?" -Delin
"He's so big he's plural." Eric
"I'm thinking of calling them as witnesses." -Delin
"To what? Our stupidity?" -Boah
"We're not going to ostracize you, we're just going to laugh when
something bad happens to you." -Baoh, to Benjamin
"Somehow I think a battle of wits would devolve into just a regular
battle." -Gunder, discussing his mercenary tablemates
"The Primeates had a meeting last night." -Priest of Leorne
"Those damned dirty apes!" -Joe
"The Moon will provide." -Priest of Leorne
"Do you know how bad I would feel if any one of you would die, especially
"Which one is closest?" -Chris
"The Temple of Phenali." -Will
"We'll go to that one first." -Chris
"You'd think you.d have to hit Phenali last." -Joe
"I don't want to be 'lizard-face' Gunder." -Chris
"That would screw up your chances with the women." -Julie
"But I'd have a long forked tongue." -Chris
"I think Gunder's battle cry will be 'Goddess of Luck, guide my
"We're not as hale, we just live forever." -Gunder
"Well, you can't be heroic on an empty stomach!" - Joe
"I'm so glad you didn't go into medicine." -Eric, to Julie
"Only big men stick to Eric." -Geordie
"Why are all your money people gnome-like?" -Joe
"Who else would gravitate to money?" -Will
The two thieves raise their hands
"Let's not go through the place of ancient evil." -Joe
"Dude, I'd love to go there. I'm like four levels higher." -Eric
"But apparently not four levels smarter." -Julie
"So we go into the 30x50x50x20x20 room." -Eric
"That's FIVE DIMENSIONS!" -Joe
"Somebody told us that... maybe it was Chronicles the Liar!" -Joe
"It sounds like a good plan, but it's coming from
"We can't stay out of trouble; we're in a den of evil!" -Joe
"You could reach Joe, and you didn't even have to turn your hips!"
"They.re wearing black robes." -Joe
"How do we know they practice the black arts? Maybe it's a cultural
"Kill them! Take their cots!" -Chris
"You'd better get busy, Chris. It's coming up again." -Geordie
"Hmm... you impaled her pelvis." -Will, after Ben shoots the
"Congratulations, Eric - you nailed her." -Joe
"That's all thirteen [wizards]?" -Chris
"It's a baker's coven." -Chris
"He turned inside out and exploded." -Will
"Does that mean he imploded?" -Micki
"The monk certainly gets a woody every time you cast enlarge on
"[Aubin] gets a +4 because it's not moving, and [the goblin] loses his dex
bonus because he's dead." -Will
"Who are you talking to?" -Nigel
"My companions." -Bastian
"I thought you said you were alone?" -Nigel
"I was, but now they're here." -Bastian
"I see segmentation faults in my job all the time, but they're never
"Intimidate: It's the best social skill." -Eric
"Do not attempt to flank the tree!" -Chris
"I will grasp the gem and command [the tree] to stop." -Ken
"So you grab your ball and pray?" -Eric
"You did hear me say we can resurrect you..." -Ken
"Yeah, well, I'm a little busy being dead right now!" -Julie
"You find a hole about twenty feet deep." -Will
"Who's going to carry that?" -Auben
"It's a non-portable hole." -Eric
"[The entrance to the deep, dark dungeon] is calling us!" -Ken
"'Hey, morons!'" -Julie
"There is a puff of oily green smoke." -Will
"How cliché." -Julie
"That's how things work in Will's world." -Eric
"How? Cliché?" -Julie
"He's trying to create higher order magics!" -Mareus
"Can he do it?" -Matrim
"He's trying to teach others how they can do it." -Mareus
"You know what they say about those who can't do..." -Eric
"Oh, that was a really abysmal roll." - Will
"Whoo!" -The group
"He touches the tree [to call down the lightning bolt]." -Will
"You're not grounded." -Eric, to Ken, who is levitating
"Does that help?" -Ken
"Nah." -Eric, Joe and Julie
"Let's see, does he [the Drolm] have any attack spells left..." -Will
"Oh, yes." -Will
"Do I generally know how much it takes to make him healthy?" -Joe
"Not much." -Will
"Generally a couple of 'Cure Light' will do it." -Ken
"He's a cheap date." -Julie
"You detect no evil in the privy." -Will
Chill - Horror gaming at
its most hilarious...
"Why do you have to confuse the issue by being right?" -Bill
"I have to be cryptic; it says so." -Will
"Stop being cute and kill something, would you?" -Bill
"Will you help me with my corpse?" -Alora/Kelda
"It has its jaws locked onto the back of your neck." -Will
"I assume I feel that..." -Bill
"The question is; do you feel lucky enough to put a sling bullet between
his legs?" -Will, to Eric, re: Ken's character
"You do *not* feel that lucky." -Ken
"All this talk is so much literary masturbation." -Ben/Eric
"Do you even know the words 'literary' or 'masturbation'?" -Julie
"It's so much book-like spankin' it." -Chris
After two spectacular shots that kill the monster.... "This won't
violate my 'won't kill' edict, will it?" -Chris
"You're scared of spiders, aren't you?" -Chris
"Only extremely." -Todd
"You looked friendly; thought I'd have a chat." -Mysterious stranger
"No, we're very irritable." -Chandler
"Okay, how much of a review do we want?" -Joe
"Who are we?" -Todd
"Not not tactful horror. So it is tactful?" -Eric
"Yes. No tentacles." - Joe
"I can't find the words to describe how hideous the monster was, but I'll
do an interpretive dance." -Chris
"I'm going to perform an exorcism. I have that book..." -Will
"The Necronomicon?" -Julie
"Joanne Fabrics and Firearms." -Julie
"So what's in the alley?" -Eric
"Hopefully not a dead end." -Todd
"Oh come on. Would I take you down a dead end?" -Chris
"Chris, roll your luck." -Joe
"Nothing but love for you, Chris." -Eric
"I know." -Chris
"Nothing... but love." -Eric
"You're scaring me." -Chris
"I'm practicing." -Eric
"You hear a noise." -Joe
"I shoot it." -Todd
"You can't see anything yet!" -Joe
"Like that's ever mattered before." -Todd
"The figure appears to be wearing skintight clothes." -Joe
"And is male." -Joe
"In a previous life Chris was a Latin American soccer announcer." -Eric
"Okay, I realize I've been playing Chill too long to ask the question: 'Is
there anything weird going on with the zombie?'" -Todd
"Did we just let Chandler go off by himself with all out money?" -Todd