Making with the funny

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
        -- Will Rogers

Season Two

Episode 201: "To Wong Foo..."

Overheard from the other room...
You have to let me. I'm the GM!" -Mer

"If it's a vampire I know what to do." -Lisa
"Indicating that social awkwardness could defeat you." -Mer

"Also, he was kind of cute in a mangy sort of way." -Mer

"That extra spurt that came from his soul." -Mer
"Soul spurt... isn't that how Angel became Angelus?" -Dwinn

"Aw, to make someone laugh so hard they require medical intervention." -Brandon

"It will be a mere six hours in the wildnerness on a ropes course." -Edwina
"At least I'll be able to hang myself." -Stansbridge

"Can we discuss racial equality when I have a pulse?" -Charity

"How did a human-sized iguana get into our room?" -Tobey
"If I had a nickel for every time I heard that question..." -Brandon

"Maybe whoever did the amnesia spell did this one." -Mel
"You mean the truth spell?" -Mer
"I don't remember that one." -Dwinn

"I can't believe you haven't gotten it! It was a clue! Epsilon Beta Lambda. EBL. It was the closest I could get to 'evil'." -Mer

"Who are you?" -Mel
"Angel." -Angel
"I"ve never been so happy to be unconscious." -Brandon

Episode 202: "One Night Stand"

"You have a big bag of crucifix." - Mer
"Crucifii?" - Julie W.
"Crucifeces." - Mer

"Things are getting really hot." - Mer
"Steam tunnel hot?" - Julie W.
"Mouth of hell hot?" - Lisa
"Angel walking next to us hot?" - Julie L.

"The flaming vampires come at you." - Mer
"Can we not judge them, please?" - Brandon

"I leap at it and try to stake it." - Dann
"Okay, roll for..." - Mer
"Implausibility?" - Dwinn

"Tongue-Fu. We're making out." - Brandon

"We're eating basilisk every day in the cafeteria." - Mer
"Grade D Mystical Meat." - Dwinn

"That might be a spell component itself: Distill the urine of a petrified sorceror." - Dwinn

Episode 203: "Murder at 1600"

"Diet Dr. No." - Mer

"JudgeMentos. For when you need to be fresh, or right!" - Dwinn

"He's looking at her neck cleavage." - Mer
"Neck cleavage? So what, she has a wattle?" - Brandon

"Look at my neck. It's so helpless!" - Mer, as drunk sorority girl

"Maybe we should sleep in shifts, so it doesn't get out." - Tobey
"It's a basilisk, not a Republican." - Dann

""He will be coming for it." - Angel
"Who is 'he'?" - Charity
"Huh. Not the question I was expecting." - Mer

"Two thoughts just converged." - Julie W.
"Two thoughts converged in a hollow head." - Dwinn

"Never set a timetable when you're going to Grand Rapids." - Brandon

Episode 204: "Ultimate Fights from the Movies"

"He looks a little intrigued by chafing." -Mer

After Spike gets a fang stuck in Charity's forehead...
"Is there a funny modifier? Where instead of fear you're affected by laughing too hard?" -Mer
"And if you roll a one you pee!" -Julie W.
"Oh yes, we have to do that." -Mer
Julie L. rolls, looks at die in disbelief...
"Did you roll a one?" -Julie W.

"I'm the second coming of Billy Idol and I have a Slayer stuck to my tooth!" -Spike
"This is my fault." - Mer

"I'm going to hunker down, dig deep and kill some people." -Spike

"I spend a drama point because I want to get pee on his coat." -Julie L.

Julie L. does "rub pee on coat" wiggle...
"There is not enough psychotherapy in the world to get that image out of my head." -Brandon

"It was 'Stake me in the ass' Night at the Nectarine. And something went horribly wrong." -Jason, explaining Tobey's injury

"Have you not noticed the hole in my ass?" -Tobey
"Now that you mention it..." -Dann

"How can we stop this from happening again?" -Gabe
"We can take all the stakes away from Charity." -Brandon
"We can make Tobey wear a Kevlar diaper." -Dann

"And now when Charity says she's going to rip someone a new one, they're really afraid." -Dann

"[Spike's] killed two slayers." -Mel
"As ineptly as he's tried to do here?" -Brandon

"Why would you want to kill me?" -Spike
"I can see two very important reasons, and they're sticking out of your mouth." -Charity to Spike
"A piece of your forehead?" -Brandon

"What do you want, Spike?" -Angel
"Oh, you know. Gettin' on, mid-life crisis. Wondered if you wanted to get the band back together?" -Spike
Mer searches for a response...
"It's David Boreanez. Flat, emotionless and stupid. You can do it." -Brandon

"Why do you look guilty?" -Charity
"I always look guilty." -Angel

"You come in and find Spike half under the bed." -Mer
"Can I-" -Charity
"STAB HIM IN THE ASS!" -the group

Spike throws the bed at Max...
"Time for bed!" -Dann

"[Max] will incinerate Spike and then die dramatically." -Julie W.
"I'm all for that." -Lisa

Episode 205: "Waiting to Exhale"

Mer runs into the hall closet door...
"Not my best work." -Mer

"Is it a good lawyer or an evil lawyer?" -Mer
"It's not like I'm calling Wolfram and Hart!" - Dann
"They have a branch office in Detroit." - Mer

"They have a... what's the word?" -Mer
"Retainer." -Dann
"I was thinking 'remainder'." -Mer
"It's not long division." -Julie L.

"He's the bad cop." -Brandon
"And not bad as in 'good cop, bad cop'. He just sucks." -Julie W.

After a convoluted attempt at explanation...
"Or whatever we said she died from." -Mer
"Continuity really is Mer's bastard child!" -Lisa

"We're never coming back to the police station." -Mer
"You dragged us into it!" -Lisa
"I meant to punish you all, but I ended up the one punished." -Mer

"Tobey wakes up first." -Mer
"'Max is in my room and why does my ass hurt?'" - Julie L.
"Bad touch." -Mer

"Why do we have to role-play this?" -Dann
"Because it's a role playing game?" -Lisa

Defining "blood of the earnest"...
"You'd find the youngest one most convinced she'd be a bride of Christ... I don't think the rabbi is using this metaphor." -Mer

Episode 206: "Demolition Man"

There's a knock at the door...
"There's some shadowy figures holding a struggling figure with a bag over its head." -Mer
"I ask who it is." -Dann

"Max can work his little magical mojo." -Tobey
"Little?!" -Brandon (Max)
"It's not about Max's penis." -Mer
"Thank you for putting my mind at ease." -Brandon

As Tobey opens the library book cage where the bad guy is...
"I go in after him." -Charity
"It's a steel cage match!" -Mer

Discussing things that open magical boxes...
"There's the bodily fluid family... the sperm of a righteous man..." -Mer
"So instead of the thing [on the box] to prick your finger, what does that one have?" -Julie L.

"I might have ice cubes, even." -Mer, threatening Brandon
"He'd scream like a woman. I guarantee it." -Julie L.
"Why fight what works?" -Brandon

"I kill the chicken [demon]." -Dann
"How?" -Mer
"I choke it." -Dann

"I was thinking of what happens after you fight the chicken [demon]." -Mer
"I'd think we have to fight the Colonel." -Dwinn

"So where were you?" -Tobey
"Cave. Mushrooms. Stalagmites. Doors. Chickens." -Mel

Episode 207: "Blade"

"The session. It will start. Ow." -Mer

"What is it about Tobey that makes people want to club her like a baby seal?" -Lisa

"Can you go there and talk to everybody and make sure they're not freaking out?" -Gabe
"That would require social skills, right?" -Tobey

"At least I know what [Sygil] is capable of, and you get the pain!" -Lisa, to Brandon

Mer burps... "Oh, hello dinner my old friend." -Mer

"Maybe Charity and Mel went to get Max." -Tobey
"Where's Max?" -Gabe
"The Diag." -Tobey
"What's he doing on the Diag?" -Gabe
"Lying there unconscious." -Tobey

"You know, the weird poofy vampire guy." -Tobey
"Lestat?" -Gabe

"I don't know! The GM's in the bathroom!" -Julie L.

Episode 208: "The Art of War"

"He beats at himself... in a completely non-sexual way."-Mer
"I figured as much. This is Angel we're talking about." -Lisa

"At least he stayed corporeal for you." -Charity
"Uh huh." -Angel
"Doesn't make your face feel any better, does it?" -Tobey

"Someone set them up." -Mel
"Someone set us up the box." -Mer
"All your box are belong to us." -Brandon

"You missed the part where Mer threw an envelope at Julie's head." -Lisa
"And almost cut it off!" -Mer
"She went postal on you." -Dwinn

"Phone number?" -Sygil
"I never call my room!" -Tobey
"I hit her again." -Sygil/Eric
"I guess I deserved that."-Tobey

"Who is [Charity's] Watcher?" -Sygil
"Mel." -Tobey
"Mel?" -Sygil
"You know, like Cher, or Madonna. She's just Mel." -Tobey

"Why do you think Max hasn't busted in to save you?" -Sygil
"Two points of cruelty?" -Julie L.

Episode 209: "Nine Lives"

"It shouldn't be hard to find someone to 'hang out with'." -Shelly
"Of course not. There's 35,000 people on this campus." -Gabe

"You're running up the street and you hear: CRASH. BOOM. OOOF." -Mer
"That's not me, is it?" -Dann

"Are they moving noticeably sluggishly?" -Dann
"If you're outrunning them, obviously so." - Lisa

"Gabe, I keep pooping the same poop!" - Mer, as Tobey
"Sweetie, I don't know how to handle that." -Gabe

Episode 210: "Rising Sun"

Describing Tobey
"Chaotic nosey." -Dann

On vampiric access to the "Big House"...
"It's not a public place." -Dann
"They can get in." -Mer
"You have to buy a ticket." -Dann
"They can buy a ticket." -Mer

On having your finger cut off...
"It changes a person." -Max
"I don't see how." -Mrs. What's-Her-Name
"Well, you have trouble picking things up." -Max

"Is this your idea of terror? You call me in the middle of the afternoon?" -Charity, when Sygil calls

On Sygil's "scary" phone calls...
"He doesn't have breath. He can't do heavy breathing." -Mer

On the idea of the "Angel-Signal"...
"Dark ominous music swells..." -Julie W
Brandon hum circus music.

On the bad things that could happen to a naked handcuffed Mel...
"It could be a very special episode." -Julie L.
"Oh, I've raped Julie in plenty of other games." -Mer

"You can be honorable and cruel." -Mer

Episode 211: "Boiling Point"

"I'm yelling to find something to put [Angel] out." -Lisa
"Hey, you've got holy water..." -Brandon

On the 80s series "Beauty and the Beast"...
"I thought Vincent was hot." -Julie L.

"If you stab [Sygil] through the heart, he'll be ensouled." -Mer
"You mean it won't kill him? That sucks." -Lisa
"But you'll have another boyfriend." -Dann

"You can roll your eyes all you want. It just means you'll get cancer." -Mer

Regarding the letter covered in lavender oil...
"You could put it in your underwear drawer when you get home." -Mer
"Get out of my head." -Lisa
"It's Sygil's plan to get into your panties." -Eric

"It's lavender oil. A French compound. It's a common component in spells." -Mer
"French spells." -Brandon
"I will turn you into a frog." -Eric with very bad French accent
"Quelle frommage." -Mer

On paradox...
"It's my trademark!" -Mer
"I thought that was urine." -Julie L.
"It's both." -Mer
"Paradoxical pee." -Julie W.
"Welcome to our 'aradox.' You'll notice there is no 'p' in it. We'd like to keep it that way." -Dwinn

On Cronos, the time demon...
"Maybe he walks everywhere, like Caine in Kung Fu." -Eric
"He'd better not, after that finite lifespan speech." -Dann
"He takes busses." -Mer

Episode 212: "Event Horizon"

On blinded future-Stansbridge...
"So basically I'm Stansbrdge." - Dann
Everyone looks puzzled.
"Stansbridge with no 'i'." -Dann

"And the sun sets." -Mer
"Shit. I'll get another rock." -Brandon

"And he's done. Pushes you aside and walks off." -Mer
"Max feels cheap." -Julie L.

"Nothing helps torture along like cookies." -Julie L.

"Another benefit of being evil - better bladder control." - Evil Tobey

"What would you have done to [Charity]?" -Julie L.
"Sword. Gut. Explosions." -Eric
"In that order." -Brandon

"Another bonus of being evil? No one can shut me up now! - Evil Tobey

"She has no people skills." -Brandon
"And this translates into poking babies?" -Julie L.

On graveyards...
"You [Evil Tobey] were never buried!" -Mer
"I embrace the cultural traditions of my kind." -Julie L.

On research...
"It's hard to do without the Grad!" -Mer
"Without the Grad?" -Dann
"It blew up!" -Mer
"When?" -Dann
"Like four episodes ago." -Eric
"The whole thing?" -Dann

Episode 213: "Futuresport"

"If you're not going to actually use the combat rules, can I read them?" -Eric

"Anyway, come rescue me, bitches!" -Julie L.

"I'll be back. There's a portal... I can't give you an ETA..." -Kronos
"Because he's a time demon. -Brandon

"He falls down, spitting and frothing... it's Tobilepsy." -Dann

Eric calculates Sygil's dodge...
"Thirty." -Eric
"Oh, he dodges." -Mer
"A dramatic moment spoiled by math." -Dwinn

"We start slinking away." -Julie W.
"Hey, this fight isn't a foregone conclusion!" -Gabe
"No, but if we stay here we will be." -Mel

"October is standing on her feet." -Mer
"As opposed to her hands?" -Julie W. and Lisa, in unison

Episode 214: "Always Outnumbered"

"I go in and kill the vampire dog guarding the entrance." -Eric
"And PETA protests." -Julie L.

"Opa and Max have made a vampire free zone." -Brandon
"Of evil!" -Julie W.

"What's your major? Pre-Evil." -Mer
"Michigan Pre-Evil." -Julie L.

"A vampire becoming ensouled is so far-fetched, especially in Sygil's vampirocracy." -Mer

"We blew all our budget on special effects and that's why the writing sucks this session." -Mer

"You see a bright glowy hole, and a bright glowy Stansbridge." -Mer
"It's a 'glowyhole'." -Julie L.

"He was head-butting me in the ass! It's got to be better than what you were thinking about!" -Mer
"If I say yes, will you stop talking about it?" -Brandon

Episode 215: "Once in a Lifetime"

"Oh, we don't get the whole makeover!" -Mer
"Queer Eye for the Vampire Guy?" -Julie W.
"At least all [Angel's] clothes will have the same color story." -Julie L.

On letting the aannoying kid move in...
"My mom will pay for cable." -William
"Okay." - Tobey.

"What, are you going to molest us in our sleep?" -Tobey, to Gabe

"You all fall asleep. That's it." -Mer
"Game over." -Julie W.
"No, cue credits." -Mer
"Insert bad commercials." -Julie W.
"Tampons are cool!" -Mer

"Keep playing. My ass is not important." -Mer

"What do you speak?" -Sygil
"German and Latin." -Max
"All came in handy in the camps." -Sygil
"Camps?" -Tobey
"Boy Scouts." -Max

"It's amazing how many things weren't invented ten years ago... Febreeze, Chalupas... Things are truly better now." -Mer

On the Tobey-faced baby
"At least it's an appropriate venue for peeing myself." -Julie L.

"You were going to Cleveland because you're evil!" -Charity
"I'm touched." -Max
"No, but you will be because you're evil!" -Charity

"It doesn't always have to be bad, it usually just is." -Mel

Episode 216: "Mystic River"

"It says, 'study this spell and be ready for the solstice.' There just was one, so you guess he means the next one." -Mer
"You hope." -Julie W.
"Crap. I'm late for evil." -Brandon

"So, do you have family in Grand Rapids?" -Max, to Sygil