Making with the funny

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
        -- Will Rogers

Season One
The Pilot: "Devil in a Blue Dress"

"Too much combat." -Mer
"It's a show about killing vampires." -Julie W.
"Shush." - Mer
"It's not called 'Buffy the Vampire Philosopher.'" - Julie W.

"Toby, just Toby." - Toby
"Yeah, I don't really like it when people call me Gabriel." -Gabe
"Yeah, I can see that." -Toby

On her new roomates...
"I'm Charity, and they don't have any, so I'm going to go get the rest of my stuff." -Charity

"So what's your mom like?" -Mer
"Think Dr. Laura, only ultra-liberal and gay." -Lisa

Episode 101: "The Bone Collector"

"The dog got into some bubble gum and shit different colors." -Julie L.
"So it was a rainbow of fecal flavors." -Mer

"We're going to generally roll initiative, except on the occasions when we don't." -Mer

"What, did she hit you in the neck real sharp?" -Oriel, to Zach

"Nathaniel Stansbridge. Middle initial 'C' for 'Callous'." -Mer

"[Circe] is kind of strange." -Tobey
"It's called being social." -Oriel

"Tell them to use Safewalk." -Mer
"Yeah, because when you're attacked by a vampire it's good to have two people whose only skill is walking." -Dann

"You hear the sounds of conflict." -Mer
"Conflict like 'No blood for oil'?" -Brnadon

"Are you following Gabe or joining the fray?" -Mer
"Well, as it is a defining characteristic of my personality..." -Brandon
"What, stupid?" -Julie W.
"How many points is 'death wish'?" - Dwinn

"Why aren't you facing the other direction and running?!" -Gabe

"I rolled a one." -Mary Lou
"You are scared shitless. You probably start screaming. Maybe even peeing." -Mer

"They're gathered around the big oak... it is an oak, right?" -Mer
"Which one?" -Lisa
"The big oak." -Mer

"Hideous demon creature... fear test modifier..." -Mer
"I'm in the shower!" -Brandon
"Are there negative modifiers for that?" -Julie W.

"You hear masculine-ish screaming." -Mer
"That's not the normal kind." -Dwinn

"The sound of a thousand Watchers slapping their heads..." - Dann

"It's a human finger, with a ring on it." -Mer
"Okay..." -Brandon
"It's your grandfather's ring." -Mer
"Is it his finger?" -Mary Lou

Episode 102: "Training Day"

"You have a similar but different dream." -Mer

Discussing Max's transportation choices...
"That's because he [ROTC sergeant] doesn't have a crush on you." -Lisa
"Well, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" -Brandon
"Get your own material!" -Dann
"That was a blatant attempt to get in the quotes." -Brandon

"We've just been given crab monsters and a plot twist. Let's go home." -Brandon

"Yes, asleep in the mostly-a-stranger English guy's home." -Brandon
"Has all the makings of bad gay porn." -Mer

Episode 103: "Much Ado About Nothing"
Archivist's note: These don't even begin to touch on the hilarity of this session. I just couldn't do it justice without a full transcript.

"Hey man, I didn't mean that. If I had syphilis I probably wouldn't sleep with you." -Oriel, to Zach

"Zach asked me if I would sleep with him if he bought me ice cream." -Oriel
"I heard! I laughed at that." -Gabe
"One of your residents is sexually harassing another and you laugh? Worst RF Ever." -Dann in an out-oof-character aside
"You're the best RF ever!" -Oriel

"Embarassment fades." -Mel
"But security breaches are forver." -Mary Lou

"I close the door behind me." -Dwinn
"More bad gay porn?" -Mary Lou
"It's my own personal 'Crying Game.'" -Brandon

"What the Professor doesn't know won't hurt me." -Mel

Episode 104: "Ricochet"

"You hear a knock on the door." -Mer
"Who is it?" -Tobey
"A friend." -Voice outside
"I don't have any friends." -Tobey

"Wow, even as a vampire [Zack's] pathetic." -Lisa

Discussing why we should let the vampire get Tobey and Oriel
"It won't be my fault, and we'll be rid of the meddling kids." -Dann
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your damn dog!" -Brandon
"Let's see who Professor Stansbridge really is!" -Mary Lou

Just as Max and Tobey find Mel, who is searching for the secret door...
"You run your hand across the top of the fire alarm and the door opens." -Mer
"Son of a..." -Max
"... bitch." -Mel

"Why is student dating possible lesbian kung-fu TA?" -Brandon

"You always seem to find vampires wandering around at night." -Dann
"Yeah, it seems so lame now that I'm running it." -Mer

Charity finds a vampire on her first night of patrol
"So, what do you do?" -Mer
"Damn! I don't have anyone writing witty quips for me!" -Lisa

"'You must be the slayer....' She's obviously a new vampire because she lisps." -Mer

"You do this a lot?" -Mel
"Oh yeah, my buddies and I have taken down four in the last five years." -Madigan
"So, you have a club or something?" -Mel
*mutters* "The Arb Ninjas." -Madigan
"What?" -Mel
"The Arb Ninjas." -Madigan
"You're a gamer, aren't you?" -Mel
"Yeah! You're not? Gamers know about this stuff." -Madigan

"Did I tell you my theory about worker's comp and Slayers? Yeah, they get black lung from the vampire dust." -Mer

Episode 105: "Out of Time"

"The Museum of the Metaphysical... it's kind of like the Life Sciences Initiative." -Mer
"So thirty orther universities have already done it and we're playing catch-up." -Dwinn

"So if I kill this guy and there's no museum... well, it's not like killing Hitler to save six million Jews." -Brandon
"But it saves you a headache." -Lou

"If I said, 'This is all Mel's fault!'..." -Oriel (in little kid's body)
"Oriel?!" -Tobey (in another little kid's body)

"They're afraid of you now." -Mer
"We're children of the corn!" -Lou

"It was ten years ago." -Prof. Stansbridge
"Feels like yesterday to me." -Tobey
mutters "At the moment, me too." -Prof. Stansbridge

"So what happens if [the summoning] goes wrong?" -Dann
"The demon either eats you, or gets to have sex with you." -Mer

Episode 106: "Carbon Copy"

"You know that summoning an Entil-Ha zemon... demon..." -Mer
"It's a malt beverage demon!" -Brandon

"I think this guy likes to threaten people." -Keith
"It's the one pleasure in my otherwise dull and dreary life." -Stansbridge
"I don't think he's a happy person..." -Keith

"So, instead we have actual nine year olds." -Tobey
"They're easier to conceal." -"old" Stansbridge

"Zach, I think it's time you learned to take no for an answer." -Charity
"Oh, excellent quip!" -Brandon

"He growls menacingly in a fashion I will not replicate here." -Mer

"We're cut off from Canada! It's the apocalypse!" -Mer

"I'm wondering what else happened five years ago..." -Tobey
"I'm actually hearing dramatic chords. It's amazing." -Oriel

"How could we have summoned you twice? We are but one people." -Stansbridge

"No one is eating Max!" -Charity
"In any sense..." -Oriel

"People dying?" -Stansbridge
"Oh, that." -Tobey
"You know, [Oriel's] parents, Charity, Mel... my dignity." -Stansbridge

"It says 'CEO, Watcher's Council Inc.'" -Mer
"It's abbreviated: 'WaCo, Inc.'" -Brandon

"I'm a stuffy old British man. What can I not do?" - Mer, speaking for Quentin Travers
"Rap?" -Dann

Episode 107: "Fallen"

"And that is the only time I will say 'pantheon of ass'." -Brandon

"Charity, it's not a spectator sport!" -Mel
"It's a group of people called the Watchers. Don't tell me it's not a spectator sport." -Charity

"The Wyndam Prices have been watchers for thousands of years." -Mer
"Thousands?" -Dann
"Me Og wyndam Price." -Dwinn

"She's in a slinky black number." -Julie W. talking about the new Watcher
"Not so much." -Mer
"It's black tweed." -Lisa

"She questions you about certain motivations in a subtle way I won't be able to replicate." -Mer

"It's a little creature about this high with big eyes." -Mer
"Dobby?" -Brandon
"It says 'Don't kill me!'." -Mer
"Charity McMullen must not go back to U of M!" -Brandon

"So are you two [Charity and Max] done with your conversation?" -Mer
"It ended in awkwardness. It always ends in awkwardness. Charity is never going to get laid." -Lisa

"I've got to admit this isn't how I imagined getting picked up by you." -Lisa to Brandon, re: Charity and Max

After the big fight... "Do we get to go to the homecoming dance now?" -Mary Lou