[Cecily] Thirty-Five: "Jigsaw"





And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here."
-"Solitude Standing"
       Isn't there supposed to be a point, one of those epiphanies, when all the pieces you've been juggling suddenly make sense and fall into place? Or is that only in the little world inside my head where everything is shiny and happy and pretty colors.
       Feh.
       Dworkin at least pointed out the all-to-obvious message in the notes. As if I needed anything to make me feel more stupid. I'm sure the possibly-missing-Matthias ties into this Dream business somehow. Really. Mostly. Oh hell. Who am I kidding?
       Practical Me, the one who counsels the "shoot first, ask questions if it survives" motto that has kept me alive so far, is rightly convinced that I should have bailed on this epic disaster weeks ago. Grabbed Harry, gone home, lived my life out in its relatively safe-by-comparison insanity. But no. Stupid Me had to go and start caring about this place. About these infuriating, idiotic cousins who on occasion make me want to beat their collective heads into a wall. About what might happen to them if I fuck up.
       I guess calling Stupid Me an idiot is redundant, but the sentiment remains.
       It was easier when I didn't have the realization lurking in the back of my head that I'm mortal, and worse, vulnerable. Everything is easier when you're arrogant and assured of your invincibility and can kill whatever's causing the problem. All of a sudden though, having seen the end of it up close and personal, I actually care that my life has some meaning, that the things I do have some impact on the world. I want to accomplish something with my life that isn't just generating blood and body parts. Love, fame and fortune wouldn't be turned down, either, but I'm willing to start small. Just a little saving all I hold dear is all I'm asking for.
       (Though I'm okay if that requires blood and body parts along the way. Preferably not mine, but nothing you really want is ever easy or painless, is it?)

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09/27/02