[Cecily] Thirty-Five: "Jigsaw"
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
Isn't there supposed to be a
point, one of those epiphanies, when all the
pieces you've been juggling suddenly make sense and fall into place? Or
is that only in the little world inside my head where everything is shiny
and happy and pretty colors.
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here."
Dworkin at least pointed out the
all-to-obvious message in the notes. As
if I needed anything to make me feel more stupid. I'm sure the
possibly-missing-Matthias ties into this Dream business somehow. Really.
Mostly. Oh hell. Who am I kidding?
Practical Me, the one who
counsels the "shoot first, ask questions
if it survives" motto that has kept me alive so far, is rightly convinced
that I should have bailed on this epic disaster weeks ago. Grabbed Harry,
gone home, lived my life out in its relatively safe-by-comparison
insanity. But no. Stupid Me had to go and start caring about this place.
About these infuriating, idiotic cousins who on occasion make me want to
beat their collective heads into a wall. About what might happen to them
if I fuck up.
I guess calling Stupid Me an
idiot is redundant, but the sentiment
It was easier when I didn't have
the realization lurking in the
back of my head that I'm mortal, and worse, vulnerable. Everything is
easier when you're arrogant and assured of your invincibility and can kill
whatever's causing the problem. All of a sudden though, having seen the
end of it up close and personal, I actually care that my life has some
meaning, that the things I do have some impact on the world. I want to
accomplish something with my life that isn't just generating blood and
body parts. Love, fame and fortune wouldn't be turned down, either, but
I'm willing to start small. Just a little saving all I hold dear is all
I'm asking for.
(Though I'm okay if that
requires blood and body parts along the
way. Preferably not mine, but nothing you really want is ever easy or
painless, is it?)